just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
