your parents love me but you hate me
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
