I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
