i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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