im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
