I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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