i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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