Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Randomize
