Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
