do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
