He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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