life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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