i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
