In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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