Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
