I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
