A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
