if i can run in heels then i can drive
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
