In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
