I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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