In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
