Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize