so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
