I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
