I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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