This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I supernannyed him into submission
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
