He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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