I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
