I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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