I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
