Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I want to fling myself into the sun
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
