I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
