Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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