he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
