what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
be right there i have to get my cape
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
