PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
