Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
