idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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