u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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