capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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