I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
