Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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