My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
