Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
