Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
