drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
