Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
