i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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