I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
