If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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