I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
My hand turned me down
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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