I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize