blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
