So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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