so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
