O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
