Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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