omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
